“Modern motherhood didn’t come with salary, performance appraisals, bonuses or long service leave. It was silent and lonely, so these women were seizing validation wherever they could find it”
The quote above described my experience of motherhood to a tee. Silent and lonely. Especially considering that I don’t have my immediately family here. I missed my mum and sisters. Recently I went home to my parents’ house for the first time since the pandemic and reunited with my siblings and their families. We all lived under the same roof and even though it was chaotic, it was also beautiful. We took turns taking care of each other, of the kids, and our selves, It was blissful. I dont know if I would recommend that kind of living long term, but it was definitely what I needed after being away from my family for 2 years.
I have tried to explain to my husband many times that being a stay-at-home mum is very lonely. I literally did not talk to another adults for days sometimes. Your life revolves around these little people and you constantly questioning “am i doing the right thing?”. But I don’t think he gets it. In the absence of a village, I looked to social media like mums facebook group for validation and guidance. Some of them were great. But some of them made me feel a little bit worse as a mum. Sometimes I became resentful and (unfortunately and shamefully), I took it out on my husband or on the kids. And then followed by guilt. Then inevitably, I felt angrier at myself for being a crappy person/ wife/ mum and it’s a vicious cycle… it never ends.
Anyway, it’s a very good book and I definitely recommend it. It explores the idea women/ mothers living together in the house with their kids, and without their spouses.
“MUMMUNE MANIFESTO
We share the house costs and the childcare
Whoever cooks, doesn’t clean,
We will feed, comfort and care for each other’s children the same way we would do our own.
We will have each other’s backs
Nobody will have to take a child grocery shopping.
Nobody will have a produce a dress-up day costume alone.
We will tell the truth.”
Sounds ideal right? I mean, who else sometimes think that I rather live with my sisters/girlfriends/mumfriends than my husband? 😀 My husband, bless him, a great man but also a very typical Asian who has some gender stereotypes idea about what women and men do. Sometimes I don’t mind it…. because to be fair, I don’t know how to change the tyre, fix the washing machine, or service the car. I also prefer not to mown the lawn. But it annoys me sometimes my husband neglect to do the simple domestic duties simply because he thinks it’s the kind of work that women does. Hence this following quote from the book about “what women’s work” is really resonates with me.
“Women’s work s the work that men didn’t want to do, like cleaning and foraging and cooking and taking care of children. Domestic labour, Emotional labour, The stuff of life, but not the stuff of glory. It’s a misnomer. It’s work that anyone can do, not just women”.Â
Grace Under Pressure, by Tori Haschka.